Spelunking We Will Go
by girl in the glen
Summary: It isn't quite a crossover, although a character will show up who normally resides elsewhere. Written for the LJ Easter Egg Challenge, this one had the prompt of an unusual innocent showing up.


"Did you just volunteer us for what I think you volunteered us for?"

Blue eyes registered an attempt to interpret the sentence being sputtered by Napoleon. Illya was uncertain as to the reasoning behind his partner's complaint.

"It will be interesting. Potholing, or spelunking as it is termed here in the United States, is something that we should find quite invigorating, my friend. Searching for this missing scientist beneath the earth, combing ancient caverns and …"

Napoleon was glaring now, something he normally avoided.

"I don't like caves, Ill-ya. I find them …"

"Claustrophobic?"

More glaring, with an uncharacteristic sneer to accompany the meaningful expression.

"I am not … claustrophobic. I simply do not like caves. You're the one who hates bats, and I assure you there will be bats."

The Russian considered that, although he knew it and had already dismissed it as a reason to disparage the mission.

"I do not look forward to encountering unfriendly bats, however in these caves it is most unlikely that we shall run across them. It is a short mission, only a couple of days utilizing a map and a compass. This scientist, Dr. Haven, has given us a virtual roadmap of his journey into this system. All we need to do is catch up with him before…"

"Before THRUSH finds him. Yes, I understood the nature of the mission, IK. I just don't … I don't like caves."

Having clearly outlined his displeasure, Napoleon was nonetheless powerless to avoid the journey into the caves he now faced. The opening was a yawning black hole that reflected none of the sunlight at their backs. Illya was nearly giddy with anticipation, his spelunking self having invested in a book on the subject as well as one or two others that he intended to read by candlelight in the depths of the great subterranean abyss.

Napoleon had no such romantic notions about traveling into the bowels of the earth, and rather resented his blond friend being so blithely entranced by this _opportunity_, as he called it. For some reason the Russian entertained the idea that they were exploring, a notion that had been rejected by the more level headed American.

"According to his messages, Dr. Haven has embarked on his search for these cave dwelling creatures in the hopes of learning something new about sustainable crops in arid climates."

Illya was reviewing the information in the file that both men had read. Napoleon found it irksome that his partner assumed he needed to be hand fed the information. Well, perhaps he hadn't read all of it last night. His more immediate concerns were what to wear and how to keep bugs from consuming him. He believed there might be bugs in the caves…

"Here, this is the path he would be following. We shall mark our way in and record the passageways…"

Illya was still talking and Napoleon was carefully inspecting the ground on which they were slowly descending as farther into the cave they traveled. This went on for at least two hours, Illya explaining every step they took and Napoleon listening with one ear as he sought out strange sounds with the other. People had been known to get lost in caves, and it was only the knowledge that their movements were being monitored by two other agents topside that gave Napoleon the little bit of assurance that someone would certainly come looking for them should they … He didn't want to think of that. He didn't like caves.

"The doctor has a solid two day head start, Napoleon. We'll need to make camp tonight in here …'

At the look on Napoleon's face, the blond stopped in mid-sentence.

"What's wrong, Napoleon? You cannot be afraid to sleep in this cave."

Shaking his head, the senior agent was loathe to admit he did have a few phobias about sleeping in the cave, not the least of which was that some strange creature might crawl into their camp and … consume them. He knew it was irrational, but that was beside the point.

"I am … concerned, that's all. If THRUSH is in here too then one of us should be on watch. Eames and Blackwell are close by, but they're not actually outside the cave entrance. I just think …"

Illya tisked at his partner's excuses.

"Napoleon, really… Well, I shall read you a story tonight and that will help you to sleep and be at ease. Children explore caves, Napoleon. You really must overcome this … this … Not afraid, you say?"

A mild harrumph was all he got in return.

Another three hours of crawling and walking, following the lead of Haven's notes, and the two agents were ready for the night's rest that Illya promised would be agreeable to his partner. Napoleon had no choice, and the longer he was in the winding caverns the less consumed he had become with what stranger dangers might be lurking. He was actually looking forward to hearing Illya read something, and set about preparing a modest meal in the strange surroundings.

After they had dined and cleaned the cooking area, Illya pulled out a volume that had the worn signs of age.

"What is that, tovarisch?"

Illya held up the leather bound volume, his eyes glinting in the soft light of their fire.

"Lord of the Rings."

"Tolkien? I wouldn't have taken you for a Tolkien fan."

Illya let his memories take a moment.

"I read this while at Cambridge. It seemed the thing to do, being in that environment. I rather liked it, although I haven't read this again for years. I thought it might do while we're on this little trek. This isn't quite our normal activity for a mission, is it."

Napoleon shook his head, a smile creeping onto his face. Leave it to Illya to bring a book about a great quest while they were traipsing through a cave system.

"All right, partner… read on."

And so Illya read each night for the three nights in the caves. The journey had been long and at some times a little dangerous. The mapping of a cave is an arduous process, and Illya was doing it with a great deal of enthusiasm while his erstwhile partner did his best to not give in to his sense of confinement. Dr. Haven had to be closer now, his own notes indicated that he would be not far from where the two agents now found themselves. One last night on this leg of the journey found the story unfolding with the character of Gollum being introduced.

Napoleon had not read Lord of the Rings, and this Gollum fellow was unfortunately firmly entrenched into his subconscious as the American drifted off to a troubled sleep.

The sound of rocks tumbling and spilling into a subterranean river was the first thing that Napoleon heard upon awaking. In this place it was impossible to tell night from day, darkness was the constant condition here. If he ever got out again and into the splendor of New York City, he might never go into a darkened theater again, let alone another cave.

"Illya, something's moving. Illya?"

Illya was gone, and in his place was a horrid looking creature with large eyes and a bald head atop a body that seemed to made from pipe cleaners or playdough.

It hissed at Napoleon, a strange sound that seemed almost a lament. It didn't speak, only stared at the stranger who had invaded his domain.

Napoleon wasn't sure if he should approach the creature or simply wait for Illya to return. Chances were the Russian would know what this thing was, and would have a scientist's view as to how it should be handled.

"My precious… You have what belongs to me, give it back!."

Napoleon thought he had heard correctly, and the shock of this creature speaking to him was almost more disturbing that the actual sight of it.

"What did you say? I have nothing of yours… Go away."

Where was Illya? Napoleon realized now that this was the creature Gollum, from the story. This was Illya's doing, and he needed to come and take care of it.

"Go away. Illya isn't here and he's the one who conjured you up with that story of his. I'm an UNCLE agent, and I think you'd better just go now, little man."

"Precious…"

He said it again, that lisping quality drawing out the word until it seemed to hang in the air.

"No, nothing here is precious. Now, just get along like a nice little … whatever you are. This isn't real, anyway. I'm pretty sure that I'm dreaming and you're not real, and Illya's asleep here close by and …"

The creature moved a little closer, his big eyes now intent on the larger man who faced him.

"What you desire to find, I know the way. He is not far ahead, only you must give me my Precious."

That intrigued Napoleon, although he still didn't quite trust that this was real.

"Who do you mean? Doctor Haven? You know where he is?"

The thing nodded his head, his boney arm extended to the passageway on the right. It was the opposite direction to what Illya had planned on traveling.

"Are you sure? Why am I even talking to you, you're not real?"

At that the creature almost smiled, giving Napoleon the impression of something not accustomed to pleasure. This creature, this Gollum, had to be a dream. But, he also seemed to be willing to help. If the tip was real then Illya was planning on going in a direction that might lead them into … nothingness. They would be lost, possibly forever.

A loud noise gave Napoleon a start, waking him from the dream he'd been having. He sat straight up and shouted out for his partner.

"Illya!"

The blond was also awake, the noise became an alarm that had done its job in getting them both out of bed.

"I'm here, Napoleon. What was that?"

"I don't know, but I just had the weirdest dream. If it was what I think it was, then we need to change our direction and go to the right instead of the left.'

The look on Illya's face told Napoleon that he might need convincing.

"Look, I know it's crazy, but … I dreamed that Gollum told me where to find Dr. Haven."

Illya squinched his eyes a little, as though trying to see his partner more clearly. Surely he was joking.

"Gollum? From Lord of the Rings? Napoleon, you just had a dream because of the book. Didn't you?"

"I don't know Illya, it seemed very real and he said to go to the right. He also told me I have something of his that he wants, his Precious."

Now Illya thought that Napoleon may have been in the caves too long. This was a strange tale indeed.

"Napoleon, Gollum isn't real. And you don't have anything …"

The two of them stood staring out into the passageway to the right of their camp. In this environment, even a dream seemed as though it might hold answers.

"All right, we'll head that way, but only for the same distance that Dr. Haven's notes indicate. Then we come back."

Napoleon was in agreement, they would not go farther than the distance indicated by Haven's notations. That crazy scientist better be at the end of this journey.

Three hours later the UNCLE agents were stopped by the sound of some type of moaning.

"That's a man, Illya. Do you think?"

"I do. Haven went in the wrong direction and now…"

They were moving, not stopping to finish their sentences. Thirty yards and the sound was louder now, causing Napoleon to start yelling the doctor's name, hopeful he was able to recognize it and respond.

"Doctor Haven… Robert Haven!"

A low moan from about fifteen feet ahead. Illya cast his powerful light into the low passageway in search of whoever was making that sound.

"I see something… Doctor Haven!"

"Here … help me. I can't move, please … help me."

Napoleon was ahead of Illya as they scrambled towards the man for whom they had been searching. The scientist was lying prone beneath a low ceiling, his rucksack making him unable to move in any direction.

"I'm going to grab your leg, doctor… just … here …"

Napoleon pulled one leg as Illya leaned low, offering all that he could considering the lack of room.

"Use your arms, doctor, and push backwards."

With much effort the man was pulled from his predicament and finally out into the open. His face was scratched, but otherwise he seemed to be unharmed.

"How long have you been ... uh, stuck?"

Napoleon didn't think he could have been like that for very long, or rather hoped not. Haven seemed reluctant to admit his folly, but he was grateful for this rescue. He might have died like that, stuck beneath a canvas bag just waiting to rot.

"I can't thank you gentlemen enough, you've saved my life. I suppose this venture should never have been attempted alone. You're from the U.N.C.L.E. aren't you?"

Napoleon took charge now, leading Haven back through the passageway through which they had just come, back to where Gollum had provided the eerie directions.

"Yes, doctor, we are. And unfortunately there are probably agents from THRUSH who will be close behind us. We need to make our way out of here, and quickly."

Illya was following close behind the other two men, and out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw something. It was smallish, but shapped like a man … or a monkey. He let it pass.

The men walked as far as they could manage with the scientist making a gallant effort to overcome his weariness. He had only been stuck for about eighteen hours, but it was enough to border on dehydration in spite of his having had a canteen close by. Two and a half days later the trio emerged from the cave, alerting the two agents who had monitored this site.

"Open channel F, it's Solo."

"Agent Solo, this is Eames. No Thrushies about, Mr. Solo. You're clear to come back to base."

"That's good to hear, Tim. We have Dr. Haven, and everyone is in good shape. Please have some water for us.'

Napoleon looked at Illya, ready for anything else he might have to say. The Russian shook his head.

"Okay, looking forward to getting out of here. Solo out."

And then the adventure was over, just like that. Back in New York, Napoleon pondered his dream and the appearance of the strange creature he believed was Gollum.

"You know, Illya, if it hadn't been for that dream we might have gone off in the wrong direction and encountered … well, no telling what. I just wonder what it was that he was calling Precious?"

Illya considered it, the absurdity but undeniable truth of what Napoleon was saying.

"Perhaps it was merely his solitude. That is sometimes the most precious thing of all."

Napoleon wouldn't have thought of that, but coming from his reticent and sometimes reclusive friend, it made perfect sense.

"Perhaps so, tovarisch. I guess we'll never know. Oh well, I'm just glad we're here and he's there. All's well…"

Illya smiled. Not that it was ever over, but yes, things had ended well.


End file.
